FatherS' Day

We all get our ideas of relationship from somewhere. Our parents, relatives, friends, television, movies, books, etc. Single and swiftly approaching thirty, I sometimes wonder how my upbringing has formed my outlook on dating. I was raised by a single mother with a strong family support system. When bio dad decided he wasn’t ready to be a father, my grandfather took on that role with the help of my four uncles. My mother was my primary parent and she married in my late teens. Thankfully, she didn’t bring a lot of men in and out of our home and I never viewed her as needy or shamelessly seeking love (or any of the other negative stigmas that surround single moms). Ironically, although I lived with my single mother, my ideas of relationship, marriage, and family were mostly shaped by the relationships of the men in my life. My uncles were so close in age that I viewed them more as older brothers. Their successes and failures and boyfriends, husbands, and fathers have shown me the qualities and characteristics I want (and don’t want) in a mate. My grandfather, full of old fashioned values, constantly renews my belief in the importance of a man’s role, chivalry, and a spiritual connection. And as my grandparents prepare to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, I more than anything appreciate his commitment to marriage and family. He’s shown me that relationships are hard work and love is just the starting point to a successful relationship.
I recognize, flaws and all, that I am fortunate to have these men in my life. I know many women raised by single mothers long for the love and affection they missed from their fathers and look for that in relationships with men, usually leading to a path of destruction full of neediness and misplaced emotions.
Happy Fathers’ Day to my mom, grandfather and uncles! Thanks having a positive impact on my view of relationships and marriage. How have the people in your life impacted your relationships?

I am
Singleinatl

Guest Blogger: Single From a Married Woman's Perspective

To Be Or Not To Be……SINGLE!!!!

Being single has such a bad stigma that many people would prefer to be in a sub par relationship then to be successfully alone. The following scenario is a perfect example.

A successful girl moves to the city to focus on reaching her professional goals. When she goes back to visit her hometown, she comes across an old sweetheart and they pick up where they left off. Even though she is quickly progressing toward her professional goals, he has not made much progress since they last dated because of his troubles with the law. The relationship moves at the speed of lightning and within six months, she is engaged to be married and pregnant with his child.

Now present day, girl is still slowly moving toward her professional goals, but the guy is more interested in hanging out and having fun (the same fun which led to his abovementioned mishaps) which leaves the responsibilities of their adult life on her. Friends and family (even his family) have noticed this downward trend and try to intervene to no avail. So when is enough, enough? At what point does one make the decision to be or not to be single?

Why are women so afraid of being single and/or alone? I think Madea said it best, “I can do bad all by myself.” Relationships that are in good standing are hard enough work, why would anybody want to be in a one-sided relationship? Is it the sex? Is there really any head-rocking, body-knocking sex that could make you stay in a stagnant relationship? If that’s the case, I would condone a “booty-call!” ***I don’t necessarily agree with that, but anything is better then the above circumstance***

Could it be the companionship? Are women so needy for someone to just be there that we let our guard down too quickly just to have a warm body there? Once again, a “Booty Call” would be better then someone hanging around and bringing you down!

Or is it just plain denial? When you are blinded by “love”, is it really that hard to see when a person is holding you back whether it’s intentionally or inadvertently?

All I have to say is that true love is hard work, but it makes it worth the while when your partner is willing to meet you half way. So, each person must uplift their partner and expect/demand for the same respect. Until women realize it’s okay to be single instead of an inferior relationship, many of those men will continue to do the same thing instead of stepping up to the plate to take care of business. So ladies, don’t settle just for the sake of being with someone. Until next time…

Guardrails

The pastor of the church I regularly attend recently completed a multi part series on guardrails. Believer or not, we all agree that the purpose of guardrails are to keep you safe from danger. I had planned to save this topic for later, but after reading the responses to my last post, I feel it’s appropriate now.
One part of the guardrails series focused on physical guardrails in intimate relationships. He discussed specific guardrails for single and married individuals. As a single woman with an active dating life, I believe guardrails are essential. Here are just a few I follow:

• Always drive your own car on first dates and meet in a public place
• No sleepovers unless you’re ready for sex (and the consequences of sex)

These guardrails have helped keep me safe from physical and emotional danger while dating. It’s important that we all set boundaries in our relationships. If you’ve been dating for a while and are not getting the results you want, it might not be a bad idea to reflect on your dating practices and decide what guardrails are right for you. When it comes to sex, only you can decide when the time is right. Whatever that time is for you, if you’re seeking a serious relationship it should be after you and your partner have defined the parameters of your relationship and achieved emotional intimacy. Until you’ve reached that point, refrain from allowing yourself to be in situations that you know test your limits and cause you to ignore your guardrails. As a general rule, dating adults usually don’t have sleepovers, tickle fights, or wrestle without sexual consequences.
To address the comments on the prior post, women and men are giving it up too soon. Even if you aren’t looking for marriage, we all want to be respected. It’s hard to respect people, regardless of their sex, when they act impulsively with no boundaries for their lives. Until next time, keep your guardrails up.

I am,
Single in Atl

A Mars-Venus Thing

I got into an interesting debate today with a close female friend based on the following scenario:

Girl meets guy and they begin a courtship. They go on dates, get to know each other, and eventually have sex. At some point girl decides she is ready to be exclusive and informs guy. Guy tells girl he thinks things are going well but moving too fast. He declines her invitation for a committed relationship and tells her he wants to keep things going as they are (or in the alternative he wants to slow things down). Yet, things remain the same between them and although guy has made his intentions known, girl falls more and more for guy. Time passes. Guy agrees to meet girl’s ___________ (close friends/family/kid/kids). Later, girl discovers guy is seeing other women. Girl confronts guy. Guy says, “I told you I didn’t want a relationship.”

This is where the debate with my friend picked up. My stance: A guy in the above scenario has done the right thing by clearly stating his intentions and the wrong thing by not correlating his actions with his words. While girl has to accept responsibility for the inevitable hurt that will come from this situation, guy is partially responsible for leading girl on. Her stance: Guy in the above scenario is totally faultless and girl has to take full responsibility for not listening, and guarding her heart accordingly, based on what she was told.

I strongly believe there are inherent differences between men and women. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. We’ve heard this time and time again. While there are exceptions to every rule, women are generally “doers” and men are “sayers.” This is particularly true in romantic relationships. Women hear “I’m not ready for a relationship” and expect men to act differently based on their words. When actions don’t change or relationships progress, women disregard the words. Men, however, rely on words and when women agree to maintain the status quo after being told no relationship is wanted or intended, they move forward.

Guys, say what you mean and mean what you say. Show that you mean it by adjusting your actions based on your words. Ladies, close your heart and your legs to a man who tells you he’s not ready.

I am,
Single in

T.G.I.F. (Thank God I’m Female)

Just made it in from a holiday gathering at the home of one of my favorite married couples. The crowd was about half married and half single which presented a great opportunity for me to spread the word about my new blog and strike up a conversation that could potentially lead to blogging material. After hearing the title and premise of my blog, my married friend asked another single woman and I why we thought relationships were so hard to come by in this city. Reaffirming that my experiences with dating in this city are far from unique, we both answered that there are too many options and having options makes a committed relationship undesirable. My cohort took it a step further by stating she would remain single so long as she lived in this city. When most singles get all the benefits of a relationship from dating multiple people at the same time why would they decide to be in a committed relationship with one person accepting their shortcomings and foreclosing all other options. I must admit, I have suffered from TMDS (too much dating syndrome) in the past and sometimes wish I could mold three different guys into a complimentary mate.

As the conversation about dating went on, I expressed my gratitude for being born female. I’ve said this time and time and again. I could NEVER take multiple dudes out on dates knowing that I would be expected to pick up the tab. I never intentionally run up the bill when I go on dates, but I know some females (term used appropriately for context) who do. I know it must be hard for a guy to focus on what the woman sitting across from him at the dinner table is saying as she orders a beverage, an alcoholic beverage (or two), an appetizer, the most expensive entrée and a dessert. If he’s a gentlemen, add on a generous tip, valet, or parking fees and he’s racked up a serious bill for about two hours of a woman’s time. A woman who you may not ever hear from again. And this is all just dinner. Add on a comedy show, movie, or special event and he’s easily spent well over one hundred dollars entertaining his date for the night. Just thinking about the ridiculous price men are expected to pay for a woman’s time makes me more thankful than ever that I was born female. If I spent all that money on a female only for her to later ignore my calls, text, emails, etc., who knows what I would do. No wonder guys expect something in return after about three or four dates. I honestly can’t say I would feel any different.

As I pat myself on the back, I will share that I have offered to pay for myself on numerous occasions. Especially when there was no chemistry and I didn’t want the guy to have any reason to feel as though I owed him something because he paid for dinner and a movie. I have also developed creative ways to pick up the check when dates have gone well like a game of rock, paper, scissors. However, I think most guys have lost on purpose because for them picking up the check is the right thing to do. But I’m certain they appreciated the offer nonetheless.

In conclusion, I commend the guys who pay. I’m not being sarcastic when I say that I really feel for you. I know I could never do it. So T.G.I.F.!

I am,
Single in Atl

The Hair Salon

I had my first appointment with my new hair stylist this weekend. She does fabulous work and I’m excited about our new “hairationship.” Like the barber shop, the hair salon is a place where women let it all hang out in their appearance and their words. We tackle broad and diverse topics like men, relationships, family drama, work, politics, music, and fashion. Since my stylist and I were meeting for the first time, we quickly discovered we had one thing in common: we are both single in the city. This one thing dominated our conversation for the majority of the three hours it took for me to get my hair “did.” Like myself, my stylist is on the fast track to thirty. I call it the fast track because it seems that each year goes by in about the time it takes to blink an eye. Not because I’m rushing it. My stylist seemed to be dealing with some the same issues I am. She feels like she is ready to settle down, but her experiences with dating have left her thinking that maybe she should just accept that she will forever be single. However, she wants to eventually have a family and she has always envisioned marriage as a part of her future. We found ourselves comparing notes just to see if maybe we were single because our expectations were too high. She listed her desires for an ideal mate and I shared mine. Thinking back on our conversation, I realize that there is no such thing as having expectations that are too high. Unrealistic, maybe. But ultimately I believe agreeing or even considering the fact that your expectations are too high leads to settling. This isn’t somewhere we as single women should be comparing notes. We all need something different in a mate who will compliment who we are. Some need more than others to balance out a relationship. I can’t judge what expectations are too high for another woman because only that woman knows what she needs and why. Me telling another woman her expectations were too high could lead to her lowering her expectations, settling for a man who doesn’t compliment her, or giving up and deciding marriage might not be for her. Honestly, there are only a few close friends who I know well enough to give that kind of advice to. My hair stylist is not one of them.

Marriage isn’t for everyone, but don’t let bad experiences or impatience force you to decide you are not the marrying type or lower your standards.

I am,

Single in Atl

Intimidation

There are lots of single, professional women in this city. By virtue of my profession alone, I’ve been told that I’m intimidating to “the average guy.” I know people often use words without fully understanding the meaning so I decided to explore this so-called intimidation starting with the source. According to www.dictionary.com, intimidation means:

1) to make timid; fill with fear. (I laughed just reading this one. I’m not even five foot tall. If I can make a grown man feel like this, he’s definitely not the man for me.)
2) to overawe or cow, as through the force of personality or by superior display of wealth, talent, etc. (Now, I will admit that I have what can be described as a strong personality. Not one, however, that would overshadow all of my other awesome qualities. As for the superior display of wealth, I rent and I drive an economy car.)
3) to force into or deter from some action by inducing fear: to intimidate a voter into staying away from the polls. (This may be what people mean when they speak of me as intimidating. Apparently, I’m chasing men away from my voting booth. HA!)

No seriously. The real source of this so-called intimidation is insecurity. I think we are all aware of the meaning of that word. Any man who is not fully comfortable with himself and where he is in life, is never going to be able to compliment a woman who is. Because I am a whole person who is not interested in a partner to complete me but instead someone who compliments, supports and loves me, I don’t need a man around to fill some empty void. Further, being a professional woman doesn’t mean taking on the role of a man. Stopping this tangent before I further digress by concluding, there is nothing complimentary about insecurity. So if by intimidating you mean that I shine a light on his innermost insecurities, so be it.
My resolve: If I’m intimidating the men by my profession, intellect, beauty (*wink*) or personality…then the intimidated ones can kick rocks! As always, your thoughts…

I am,
Single in atl