We all get our ideas of relationship from somewhere. Our parents, relatives, friends, television, movies, books, etc. Single and swiftly approaching thirty, I sometimes wonder how my upbringing has formed my outlook on dating. I was raised by a single mother with a strong family support system. When bio dad decided he wasn’t ready to be a father, my grandfather took on that role with the help of my four uncles. My mother was my primary parent and she married in my late teens. Thankfully, she didn’t bring a lot of men in and out of our home and I never viewed her as needy or shamelessly seeking love (or any of the other negative stigmas that surround single moms). Ironically, although I lived with my single mother, my ideas of relationship, marriage, and family were mostly shaped by the relationships of the men in my life. My uncles were so close in age that I viewed them more as older brothers. Their successes and failures and boyfriends, husbands, and fathers have shown me the qualities and characteristics I want (and don’t want) in a mate. My grandfather, full of old fashioned values, constantly renews my belief in the importance of a man’s role, chivalry, and a spiritual connection. And as my grandparents prepare to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, I more than anything appreciate his commitment to marriage and family. He’s shown me that relationships are hard work and love is just the starting point to a successful relationship.
I recognize, flaws and all, that I am fortunate to have these men in my life. I know many women raised by single mothers long for the love and affection they missed from their fathers and look for that in relationships with men, usually leading to a path of destruction full of neediness and misplaced emotions.
Happy Fathers’ Day to my mom, grandfather and uncles! Thanks having a positive impact on my view of relationships and marriage. How have the people in your life impacted your relationships?
I am
Singleinatl
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Guest Blogger: Single From a Married Woman's Perspective
To Be Or Not To Be……SINGLE!!!!
Being single has such a bad stigma that many people would prefer to be in a sub par relationship then to be successfully alone. The following scenario is a perfect example.
A successful girl moves to the city to focus on reaching her professional goals. When she goes back to visit her hometown, she comes across an old sweetheart and they pick up where they left off. Even though she is quickly progressing toward her professional goals, he has not made much progress since they last dated because of his troubles with the law. The relationship moves at the speed of lightning and within six months, she is engaged to be married and pregnant with his child.
Now present day, girl is still slowly moving toward her professional goals, but the guy is more interested in hanging out and having fun (the same fun which led to his abovementioned mishaps) which leaves the responsibilities of their adult life on her. Friends and family (even his family) have noticed this downward trend and try to intervene to no avail. So when is enough, enough? At what point does one make the decision to be or not to be single?
Why are women so afraid of being single and/or alone? I think Madea said it best, “I can do bad all by myself.” Relationships that are in good standing are hard enough work, why would anybody want to be in a one-sided relationship? Is it the sex? Is there really any head-rocking, body-knocking sex that could make you stay in a stagnant relationship? If that’s the case, I would condone a “booty-call!” ***I don’t necessarily agree with that, but anything is better then the above circumstance***
Could it be the companionship? Are women so needy for someone to just be there that we let our guard down too quickly just to have a warm body there? Once again, a “Booty Call” would be better then someone hanging around and bringing you down!
Or is it just plain denial? When you are blinded by “love”, is it really that hard to see when a person is holding you back whether it’s intentionally or inadvertently?
All I have to say is that true love is hard work, but it makes it worth the while when your partner is willing to meet you half way. So, each person must uplift their partner and expect/demand for the same respect. Until women realize it’s okay to be single instead of an inferior relationship, many of those men will continue to do the same thing instead of stepping up to the plate to take care of business. So ladies, don’t settle just for the sake of being with someone. Until next time…
Being single has such a bad stigma that many people would prefer to be in a sub par relationship then to be successfully alone. The following scenario is a perfect example.
A successful girl moves to the city to focus on reaching her professional goals. When she goes back to visit her hometown, she comes across an old sweetheart and they pick up where they left off. Even though she is quickly progressing toward her professional goals, he has not made much progress since they last dated because of his troubles with the law. The relationship moves at the speed of lightning and within six months, she is engaged to be married and pregnant with his child.
Now present day, girl is still slowly moving toward her professional goals, but the guy is more interested in hanging out and having fun (the same fun which led to his abovementioned mishaps) which leaves the responsibilities of their adult life on her. Friends and family (even his family) have noticed this downward trend and try to intervene to no avail. So when is enough, enough? At what point does one make the decision to be or not to be single?
Why are women so afraid of being single and/or alone? I think Madea said it best, “I can do bad all by myself.” Relationships that are in good standing are hard enough work, why would anybody want to be in a one-sided relationship? Is it the sex? Is there really any head-rocking, body-knocking sex that could make you stay in a stagnant relationship? If that’s the case, I would condone a “booty-call!” ***I don’t necessarily agree with that, but anything is better then the above circumstance***
Could it be the companionship? Are women so needy for someone to just be there that we let our guard down too quickly just to have a warm body there? Once again, a “Booty Call” would be better then someone hanging around and bringing you down!
Or is it just plain denial? When you are blinded by “love”, is it really that hard to see when a person is holding you back whether it’s intentionally or inadvertently?
All I have to say is that true love is hard work, but it makes it worth the while when your partner is willing to meet you half way. So, each person must uplift their partner and expect/demand for the same respect. Until women realize it’s okay to be single instead of an inferior relationship, many of those men will continue to do the same thing instead of stepping up to the plate to take care of business. So ladies, don’t settle just for the sake of being with someone. Until next time…
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Guardrails
The pastor of the church I regularly attend recently completed a multi part series on guardrails. Believer or not, we all agree that the purpose of guardrails are to keep you safe from danger. I had planned to save this topic for later, but after reading the responses to my last post, I feel it’s appropriate now.
One part of the guardrails series focused on physical guardrails in intimate relationships. He discussed specific guardrails for single and married individuals. As a single woman with an active dating life, I believe guardrails are essential. Here are just a few I follow:
To address the comments on the prior post, women and men are giving it up too soon. Even if you aren’t looking for marriage, we all want to be respected. It’s hard to respect people, regardless of their sex, when they act impulsively with no boundaries for their lives. Until next time, keep your guardrails up.
I am,
Single in Atl
One part of the guardrails series focused on physical guardrails in intimate relationships. He discussed specific guardrails for single and married individuals. As a single woman with an active dating life, I believe guardrails are essential. Here are just a few I follow:
- Always drive your own car on first dates and meet in a public place
- No sleepovers unless you’re ready for sex (and the consequences of sex)
To address the comments on the prior post, women and men are giving it up too soon. Even if you aren’t looking for marriage, we all want to be respected. It’s hard to respect people, regardless of their sex, when they act impulsively with no boundaries for their lives. Until next time, keep your guardrails up.
I am,
Single in Atl
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
A Mars-Venus Thing
I got into an interesting debate today with a close female friend based on the following scenario:
Girl meets guy and they begin a courtship. They go on dates, get to know each other, and eventually have sex. At some point girl decides she is ready to be exclusive and informs guy. Guy tells girl he thinks things are going well but moving too fast. He declines her invitation for a committed relationship and tells her he wants to keep things going as they are (or in the alternative he wants to slow things down). Yet, things remain the same between them and although guy has made his intentions known, girl falls more and more for guy. Time passes. Guy agrees to meet girl’s ___________ (close friends/family/kid/kids). Later, girl discovers guy is seeing other women. Girl confronts guy. Guy says, “I told you I didn’t want a relationship.”
This is where the debate with my friend picked up. My stance: A guy in the above scenario has done the right thing by clearly stating his intentions and the wrong thing by not correlating his actions with his words. While girl has to accept responsibility for the inevitable hurt that will come from this situation, guy is partially responsible for leading girl on. Her stance: Guy in the above scenario is totally faultless and girl has to take full responsibility for not listening, and guarding her heart accordingly, based on what she was told.
I strongly believe there are inherent differences between men and women. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. We’ve heard this time and time again. While there are exceptions to every rule, women are generally “doers” and men are “sayers.” This is particularly true in romantic relationships. Women hear “I’m not ready for a relationship” and expect men to act differently based on their words. When actions don’t change or relationships progress, women disregard the words. Men, however, rely on words and when women agree to maintain the status quo after being told no relationship is wanted or intended, they move forward.
Guys, say what you mean and mean what you say. Show that you mean it by adjusting your actions based on your words. Ladies, close your heart and your legs to a man who tells you he’s not ready.
I am,
Single in
Girl meets guy and they begin a courtship. They go on dates, get to know each other, and eventually have sex. At some point girl decides she is ready to be exclusive and informs guy. Guy tells girl he thinks things are going well but moving too fast. He declines her invitation for a committed relationship and tells her he wants to keep things going as they are (or in the alternative he wants to slow things down). Yet, things remain the same between them and although guy has made his intentions known, girl falls more and more for guy. Time passes. Guy agrees to meet girl’s ___________ (close friends/family/kid/kids). Later, girl discovers guy is seeing other women. Girl confronts guy. Guy says, “I told you I didn’t want a relationship.”
This is where the debate with my friend picked up. My stance: A guy in the above scenario has done the right thing by clearly stating his intentions and the wrong thing by not correlating his actions with his words. While girl has to accept responsibility for the inevitable hurt that will come from this situation, guy is partially responsible for leading girl on. Her stance: Guy in the above scenario is totally faultless and girl has to take full responsibility for not listening, and guarding her heart accordingly, based on what she was told.
I strongly believe there are inherent differences between men and women. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. We’ve heard this time and time again. While there are exceptions to every rule, women are generally “doers” and men are “sayers.” This is particularly true in romantic relationships. Women hear “I’m not ready for a relationship” and expect men to act differently based on their words. When actions don’t change or relationships progress, women disregard the words. Men, however, rely on words and when women agree to maintain the status quo after being told no relationship is wanted or intended, they move forward.
Guys, say what you mean and mean what you say. Show that you mean it by adjusting your actions based on your words. Ladies, close your heart and your legs to a man who tells you he’s not ready.
I am,
Single in
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